just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize