nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
