Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
