look no pants
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
