I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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