May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
