Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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