I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
