i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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