Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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