if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
