i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
