Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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