After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
