Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
