hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
