Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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