I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
