We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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