last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
