My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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