That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
