her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
