I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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