Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
