I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
