Sry I called you an 8
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
