i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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