I want to make a zoo with you.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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