Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize