Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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