Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
