mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
