omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
