someone threw a dead crab at me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
