when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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