Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
