You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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