Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
be right there i have to get my cape
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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