did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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