I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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