Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
