I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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