i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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