im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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