I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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