My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
