just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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