So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
