OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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