youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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