i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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