In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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