So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
