Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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