God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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