I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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