I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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