Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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