I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
