The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
