It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
